Intentions

I wrote some this weekend.  How much?  Well, by my estimates, it was anywhere between 2,000 and 10,000 words, but I could be wrong.  The fact that I don’t know is what I like most about it.

How did I do it?  I switched to counting scenes.  I finished four scenes.  I don’t know how long each one was, because I turned off word counting and the display of page numbers.  I set my goals by that, and let my progress be tied to the story, not the words.

In other words, dear readers, I am learning.

Now if I could just get out of my own damn way, that would be a big plus.  So far, no dice, but I’m talking about my future here, and that’s a Big Scary Thing.

I took this year to determine whether or not I could make it as an author, as something of an actual job (not in talent – that comes later – but in ability to commit and enjoyment of it).  I’m not entirely sure most people understand why it has to be this year, why it can’t be next year, or when my life settles down.  Why do I have to decide now?

Because there is always a next year, until you’ve used up decades of your life waiting for something to happen.  There is always an excuse, always a reason to wait, a reason why things will be different later on, but the only difference is the excuses you make.

I watched a movie recently (well, recently-ish), entitled Once.  It’s about a street musician taking the leap to actually recording music, encouraged by a woman that he meets.  The title refers to the talented musicians that the writer/director had seen waiting to start their career once they did this or that, or something happened, only to have it never materialize.

I’m not so naive to think that this is anywhere close to a sure thing (I’m usually pessimistic enough to keep me grounded), but I don’t want my fears or pre-judgments of the situation to hold me back, either.  I don’t want to have to look back and wonder if I’m cut out for it, or if I’m good enough; I’d rather just know.

But learning that is a Big Scary Thing.  One of the biggest and scariest, and really, that’s been at the heart of all my blocks, all my distractions.  Self-sabotage at fear of an answer that I don’t want.  I know that it makes no sense, but well..

“We do not err because truth is difficult to see. It is visible at a glance. We err because this is more comfortable.” ~Alexander Solzhenitsyn

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